5 Things that Go Through Your Head Before Taking a Drug Test

Is it that time for you? Maybe you’re starting a new job and you have to go pee in a cup (aka take a drug test). Or maybe you’re like me, starting nursing school, and have to be cleared before you start. I’m going to make you feel like a completely normal human being and go through some things that I hope (for my own sake) have gone through your head before taking your piddle in a cup. 

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Recently I had to take a drug test as a preliminary step to Nursing School. It was quite the experience and I wanted to share with you all the thoughts that went through my head. Mostly, I want to see if I’m normal.

1. First thought: Have I taken drugs?

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I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t matter how drug free of a life I’ve lived, I start to question myself. “Have I been consuming drugs?” “What if someone slipped me something and I had no idea?” 

It’s honestly a little crazy at how I get nervous when I hear: “You’re gonna have to pee in a cup Hood…and you better come out clean.” I start questioning my entire life.

After my initial nerves have settled…

I decided to make my appointment. 12:30pm. Enough time to have my morning coffee and go to my morning body flow class. Not enough time to shower so maybe nobody will want to sit next to me in the waiting room. 

2. Second Thought: How much water should I drink?

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There is probably nothing more irritating than going to pee in a cup only to realize you don’t have to pee at all.

Sidenote: This typically isn’t my issue- I have the smallest bladder in probably all of history. Peeing on command has always been on my list of skills that I add to my job applications. I feel like it makes me look like I have superb time management skills.

However, for whatever brain fart I may have had, I decided I didn’t want to chance it. My appointment was at 12:30pm. So, I chugged a cup of water as I arrived to my appointment at 12:26. I tried minimize my wait time… because I’m now regretting not having showered after sweating like a beast in my Body Flow class.

3. Third Thought: OH CRAP!!!

I walked into the waiting room and I swear it must have been everyone’s new hire date or probation reporting time because there was NOWHERE to sit. 

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I was so thankful I had planned ahead… especially after chugging that cup of water as I walked in. I walked up, checked in AND the bubble that said “APPOINTMENT”. 

And then the wait began…

…..it’s now 1:00pm

Much to my disappointment, I realized after my 30 minute wait that they didn’t give a hoot whether or not I had made an appointment. They were going by arrival time.

My bladder began throwing a fit. SCREAMING. Which brings me to….

4. Thought Four: “I wonder if anyone has every actually peed their pants in the waiting room, or if I’m going to be the first.”

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Now, I’m not one for confrontation and I try to avoid it at all costs but I was literally getting the chills from my body pleading with me, and it didn’t seem like my wait was going to be over any time soon….

At 1:05PM I decided to stand up for my bladder…and my pride. 

I waddled to the front desk and in my nicest voice I said “I’m so sorry, I know you’re busy but my appointment was at 12:30pm and I have to go to the bathroom incredibly bad. I can’t hold it any longer

Of which she responded: “Well you’re next in line, so why don’t you go ahead and show me your I.D. and I’m gonna need an account number”

I was past the point of rational thinking so I said: “This is my confirmation number! Here’s my e-mail!”  Throws phone scarily close to check-in lady’s face.

Of which she responded: “That’s not the right number, you need an account number.” It’s gonna start with a 2.

WHAT’S A 2?!?

I honestly had no idea what number she was talking about nor was I close to being on the same page at this point. My ONLY thought was wetting myself in front of that full capacity waiting room. 

I kid you not the guy next to me walked out and came back with a gallon size bag of skittles… he had the right idea clearly… he knew there would be time for a snack.

Instead, I hastily said: “I can’t hold it ANY LONGER!!!! Please let me go to the bathroom, I don’t even care about the wait anymore, I will wait till I have to go again but I can’t hold it!!! I’m so sorry! Here I am about to be completely embarrassed and I’m still apologizing for the inconvenience. Having to ride home would have been more inconvenient though had the “incident” occurred.

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No compassion. No mercy. No bathroom break. 

“It’s not going to count….”

After many failed login attempts and tears in my eyes for what was about to happen…. 

Eventually, I found the stinking account number (sweat bead falls), I showed it to her and she said:“Yep that’s it!” 

Sweet Jesus thank you. Not you lady. Jesus. He is the only one that kept me from clocking you.

She finished my intake (in no rush at all) and I sprinted probably faster than I have at any point in my life to the bathroom. 

5. Fifth Thought: “Thank the Lord that is OVER”.

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I think “the act” happened for a solid 2 minutes. And I’m positive I could have provided enough specimen for 10 drug tests. Anyone in need of clean urine? I got plenty to share!

I’m not sure if I have ever been so relieved…or my salvation ever been so tested.

Naturally… the fun didn’t stop there

As if my patience hadn’t gone through some major testing…I walked out to my car, and some very awesome person parked about 2 inches from my door. Am I ever going to get to leave this place?! WHERE’S THE MERCY?!

Essentially, I had to further embarrass myself by crawling in through the passenger side door. Thank God for Yoga or I would have had to show my face again in the place that shall not be named.

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 I know that this post was different than my norm but what would you have done?!

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